slumming it. UK tour style for beginners - a continuing story

- Don't listen to those people with attractive uniforms urging you to buy tickets for the Gatwick Express, take the normal train it's not much slower and costs a fraction of the price. Similarly at Heathrow - forget the express and enjoy a rare breath of fresh air as the doors open to reveal the sylvan glory of Osterley station

- Always buy train tickets online, never at stations http://www.thetrainline.com/

- Always buy bus tickets on http://www.nationalexpress.com/home.aspx saving money and the endless queue at Victoria Station. You'll think you're living in an MC Escher lithograph http://www.mcescher.com/

- If you rent a car, tune in to BBC 5 Live all the time. It's  the only way to catch up on gossip and sports news whilst pretending to be listening out for their regular and predictably disaster-filled traffic news.

- This traffic news shall be your guiding star, since driving from London to Leeds could take 3 hours but on the other hand it could take 6 or 7. The difference? You'll find the answer in the harried tones of the traffic news announcer http://www.bbc.co.uk/5live/

- If we're on the BBC, after the show driving home you must listen to Janice Long's show. She's been the greatest BBC Dj since the days when she had the show before John Peel on Radio 1. Right now she's on Radio 2 between midnight and 3 am and rocks the musician's regualr post-gig driving-to-the-Travelodge journey http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006wr0n

- Yes. Situated on a motorway off ramp near .. err, nowhere much. A place where wireless costs £6 for 30 minutes and in their words "You are permitted to cancel your booking but not to get a refund".  Book the inevitable Travelodge on the Edge of Town more than 21 days before you need it - right now they're £12 or £19 if you do it early. http://www2.travelodge.co.uk/

- But ... right beside the Travelodge on the Edge of Town will be a service station where you can sip expensive white coffee posing as cappucino and get free wireless while munching Marks & Spencer's sarnies. If you do one thing you should always do it's

- GO TO MARKS & SPENCERS AND EAT THEIR SANDWICHES. Because you know they're worth it. For some reason nearly every motorway service station boasts one of these fine emporia (look out for the signs while you're idling in the fast lane enjoying a 60-mile traffic jam 

- Avoid the M25. Simple.

- If you must fly, go easyjet and have the heaviest hand baggage in the world and the lightest checked baggage ever checked in. See 21st Century Troubadour for detailed check in strategy.

- Never, ever, Ryanair. Repeat this mantra until you believe it. You are a musician. You have an instrumemt. Never. Ever. 

- The ferries to Ireland are good too - have fun in a floating bar filled with fun-filled fellow passengers sinking pints and eating burgers, then driving off to terrorise citizens on the other island itself. Stranraer-Belfast, Holyhead-Dun Laoghaire Fishguard-Rosslare they're interchangeable http:stenaline.co.uk/ http://irishferries.com/

Ireland ... ah ha ... like Scotland it's a whole other story. Next time.

All too brief but it's a start - let me know your tips. 

Andy